NP Diplomacy Example ... ;-)

Neptune's Pride
1

So in the Team Game, my neighbor next to me is Myk … and we’ve been having an ongoing"fun" diplomatic discussion that I thought others might get a chuckle out of … so I’ll post here.
To set the scene, there was a midpoint star we were both racing to get from the start … but I got there first as his single shipper was on the way … so he wrote to me:

Update: A related follow-on thread.

From: Myk
To: HULK
Subject: Gift ship approaches

Great majesty,

I’ve sent an ambassadorial ship with 12 cases of my finest VindemiatrixIan single malt whisky to Okul as a token of good will to the mighty Green empire.

May our races lives long and peaceful lives along side each other.
Sincerely,
Overlord Myk

From: HULK

Welllll … it turns out that is the Big Green Monster’s favorite beverage, so he thanks you deeply for your generous gift.

I actually have a carrier stocked with some prime beef wrapped in bacon (Hulk’s favorite breakfast food!) that I can send your way - do you have a preference where I should send it?

It might be best if I did NOT send that carrier, but let the Hulk consume it at Okul … which should keep his bestial urges to attack at a minimum.

Can I instead send you the Deal-of-the-Day via Amazon Prime as a token of my appreciation … and also keeping the peace between us.

His Scan doesn’t reach to my star, but his single-shipper hit 49 ships - D’OH! :wink: He then writes:

From: Myk

Greetings once again your Green-ness,

Thank you for the vouchers, I was able to purchase Pink Floyd’s entire back catalog on vinyl. Delightful.

It’s the most curious thing, but carrier MH370 (with the whisky) has gone missing. I’ve not heard back from the captain since they departed Arcturus. Did they make contact? We’re getting nothing from the black box… if it turns up on Okul please let me know.

From: HULK

I’m delighted that you enjoyed my appreciation gift - Amazon truly has made shopping easier. Although if you are a fan of vinyl, can I recommend you pick up a copy of Herb Albert’s “Whipped Cream” for the cover art alone - Whipped Cream & Other Delights - Wikipedia

I have bad news about your carrier and your gift.

We had a welcome reception all lined up for it at Okul … but it was flying very erratically as it entered the star system and ended up crash landing. Our rescue crew quickly pulled the ambassador and fleet captain from the destroyed ship … and both were … wellllll … stinking drunk.

Between the two of them, they had consumed the entire 12 cases of VindemiatrixIan single malt whisky!

There was actually a few drops left in one bottle which the Hulk used to wash down that prime beef with bacon - he gave it a big Green Thumbs up … and is willing to PayPal you a substantial number of credits for more.

He’s wondering if it would be easier for you to ship another ship to Okul … or should he send a ship to Arcturus , Mu Etamin , or Fast Sham ?

From: Myk

This is a shameful day for our empire. You just can’t get the staff these days. Admittedly it’s hard to resist that single malt, I almost don’t blame them. The ambassador and captain are banished from my galaxy for their incompetence, you may do as you see fit with them. May I suggest they’d make a nice pair of foot rests?

You can send a courier fleet to the aforementioned stars if you like, although I should warn you my captain of arms is on edge after the incident and is prone to setting automated defenses a tad on the heavy side. Probably best I send drones with any future goods.

P.S. I say, you certainly know how to pick your album covers.

From: HULK

Yea, I hear 'ya about how it is hard to find good staff … several of my re-supply vessels have left Space Marines behind rather than bring 'em to the front lines. I think there needs to be a galactic ban on alcohol aboard Hyperspace Carriers … but they are already restless from lack of activity and that might cause more aggression.

Your Ambassador and Captain are still sobering up … but when they awake, I’ll give 'em the option of coming along on the next ship I send your way.

I’ll also include a pristine copy of that “Whipped Cream” album from my personal collection for your perusal … and here’s a nice RL article about her 50 years later: http://goo.gl/7bjOVJ

Gotta love her comment to the teens at the record store “Enjoy the memories” :wink:

Plus note the editor’s comment how it was the most-read story at the Seattle Times - LOL! :wink:

7 Likes
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Here’s part 2

From: HULK

Hello again Mighty Myk,

I just wanted to let you know that your Ambassador and Captain have woken up and (somewhat) come to their senses after horrendous hangovers. However, they are complaining they are being held against their will, plus he claims diplomatic immunity should apply.

I have explained to them that your Empire plans to send a courier ship to pick them up, but when they scan the sky every day, nothing is in sight.

I don’t want to cause a diplomatic stir, so I’m wondering if it might be best if I put them on one of my ships. Unfortunately, we only have BattleCruisers at Okul, so I would not want your Captain of Arms to be alarmed if one of those showed up incoming on his scans.

How would you like this situation handled?

Respectfully Yours,
Dr. Bruce Banner (for the HULK)

From: Myk

Dr Banner,

It is most gracious of you to offer the return of these imbeciles at your own cost.

I can promise a warm reception at (Arcturus) or Fast Sham with presidential suites. Maybe you’d be kind enough to provide me with an ETA and numbers so I can make suitable arrangements for accommodation. We have just opened the Dolores Erickson hotel on (Arcturus) and offer the full whipped cream experience for all willing patrons.

Yours sincerely,
O.L. Myk

From: HULK

I have discussed the matter with your Ambassador and while looking at our Scan Data, he got quite excited to see that (Arcturus) has been renamed to Whipped Cream - he says the Presidential Suites there are marvelous and we appreciate your generous offer.

However, he also noticed that with my newly acquired Range, I could also deliver him to Atik , Mu Etamin , and even Theta Aldhibah.

One of our escorts then overheard him debating with your Captain about the later two options - apparently, VindemiatrixIan single malt whisky is in plentiful supply on Atik … but he (ahem!) has a Mistress on Theta Aldhibah :wink:

He hasn’t decided yet, but I will let you know when and where we send him back to you. In the meantime, we are retrofitting one of your HULK’in BattleCruisers so we can provide the upscale accommodations for the voyage that he deserves.

My Space Marines are not too happy about that as the ship is already overflowing with them, but we want to be respectful to your Ambassador and Captain. They send their regards and say they are being well treated.

BTW, if you would like to communicate with them directly, feel free to use a diplomatic pouch (we are a civilized society and would not read other’s people mail) by simply surrounding the messages in x’s - i.e.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Confidential Diplomatic Message
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
and he can communicate back to you as well.

All the Best,
The Big Green Guy

1 Like
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This kind of thing is exactly why we need some kind of RP tag on the forum.

renown for you both!

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Fom Myk:

I thank you for the chance to get a message to my stranded comrades. I was so jolly cross with their outlandish behaviour upon discovering their misdemeanors that I was a little over reactive . Now I’ve had a chance to calm down (or “chill-ax” as all the young space cadets say these days) I think it would be best that the rapscallions return to their native galaxy. If you would be so kind as to pass these private messages on I’d be in your debt:

To the Ambassador:

Engeldink Humperbert,

My dear fellow, what a pickle you’ve gotten us into. How could you let yourself get carried away like that? Did I not warn you of the potency, and devilish addictiveness of that liquor? The whole idea was to get these Green beasts hooked on it so we could setup a regular supply chain, not quaff the entire supply, you Jack of clubs.

Well, we are where we are now so lets try and make the best of things. I trust now the hangover has subsided you’re putting your espionage skills to good use? Maybe you’d be so kind as to provide me with a ship count on Okul, and anything you’ve learned of the plans of Hulk’s empire.

I will stall them diplomatically for as long as I can but I believe they’re planning your return imminently.

P.S. I’ve some bad news of your mistress on Theta Aldhibah … she seems to have, how do I say this, be “on the turn”. She’s spending an unhealthy amount of time with her seamstress. Sorry to be the bearer. Forget her old boy, you know what they say; there’s plenty of aliens in the cosmos.

Stay sharp,
Myk

To the captain:

Captain Berk,

Since we’re from the same part of town I will speak frankly, and in our local dialect. You figging klanker. What was spinning around in your jango ponkle? I’ve a good mind to trang you up against a bluyow chucklebuck and give you a jolly good freenybeening. I trusted you with this ghoof and you’ve completely quolloxed it up. I always knew you were partial to the old riddlechoof but I didn’t think you’d lead Mr Humperbert astray so glungly. Do us all a yarly next time you crash into a solar system and pikul yourself properly.

Since your still lamm and dandy you might as well make yourself wrenchy. Take those pink pills I put in your stash-put and see if you can’t yippy a few of them into the drinks of a few of those key Green Utrips.

Pull your hinderqueeps up captain, you owe me for this loopenpoop.

Your Overlord,
Myk

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From Hulk:

Mighty Myk,

My apologies for the delay in responding, but RL has interfered with my
work in the NP galaxy and I did not have time to write a proper response
earlier.

First, I’m sad to see that the peace we have enjoyed is no longer as
evidenced by your unwarranted attack by two fleets of 662 ships against
peaceful [[Okul]]. Or are these peaceful scientific missions … and if
so, should I abandon [[Okul]] in order to make their research easier? Or
based on the carrier names of “Herb Albert” and “Dolores Erickson”, is
this some sort of other mission?

Ironically, as you can see, there is a single ship courier (named
HULKWhisky) already on its way back to [[Whipped Cream]] with your
ambassador and Captain aboard. However, after it departed, I received
word that for reasons unknown, they were not aboard - my people are
searching for them as I write this.

Before they disappeared, I did share your coded messages with the
Ambassador and Captain who wrote the following messages that I’m
including in the private diplomatic pouch. They used quadruple ROT13
enctrypion - ROT13 - Wikipedia - which I assume you can
decode.

Please advise of your intentions with your fleets as they may make me angry;
and you would not like me when I get angry.
Dr. Bruce Banner

Start Quad ROT13 Encryped Message

From Ambassador Engeldink Humperbert:

Hey Myk - don’t believe anything the green beasts say … or the Captain
for that matter. He drank an entire case of our finest VindemiatrixIan
single malt whisky and was stinking drunk the entire flight. It was
only my skill as a former pilot that allowed me to successfully land our
spacecraft at [[Okul]].  We came in peace exactly as you ordered and
when I presented the intact 11 cases of finest VindemiatrixIan single
malt whisky, they SMASHED them - I could not believe my eyes - such
brutish behavior.

They have kept me locked up so I have no idea what is going on … but
[[Okul]] is overrun with Green Monsters … and they all seem ANGRY. I’m
told they will send us back to our glorious star system of [[Whipped
Cream]] tomorrow, and I am anxious to return and be of service to the
mighty Purple Empire.

P.S. Please do not speak of the mistress … it was a very minor
one-time fling that happened years ago, but even so, my wife would not
appreciate finding out.

From Captain Berk:

I don’t know what you have heard from the Green Monsters or Ambassador
Engeldink Humperbert, but this mission was f*ck’ed up from the
beginning. Remember it was just the Ambassador and me on a peace mission
with 12 cases of finest VindemiatrixIan single malt whisky to present
as a gift to our neighbors - NOT!!!

Turns out this was the Ambassador’s private party ship.

Once we left, a dozen Busty [[Black Hadir]] wenches came out of hiding -
they make my old girl friends Dolores Erickson and Kate Upton look
flat-chested. I was overwhelmed while sleeping and tossed in the brig.
But since I had my iPhone782c, I was able to access the ship’s
surveillance system … and witness debauchery on a degree I’ve never
witnessed … and we’ve both seen some crazy sh*t!    :wink:

I won’t go into the details, but by time we entered [[Okul]]'s orbit,
the whisky was all consumed and the ship was a wreck. Thank gawd I had
set the automatic landing coordinates beforehand, because otherwise, we
would have just kept going into deep space.

I have been kept in prison, but from the window, I have observed the
Ambassador walking and talking freely with the Big Green Monsters …
and covorting with the Busty [[Black Hadir]] wenches … so some sort of deal has been arranged.

In terms of Intel, this star system has been bustling. While I can’t see
the actual spaceport, there has been a non-stop roar of  landing and
takeoff of ships … and the numbers of Green Monsters walking outside
my jail cell increases every day … there must be hundreds of them.

I’ve been told that I’m being “returned” back to [[Whipped Cream]] (why did you rename that star?) on a mega-battle-cruiser tomorrow …  but as you well know, this may be an attack on our world.

P.S. If I see the ambassador, I will give HIM those Pink Pills as he has let down our empire - don’t believe anything he says.

End Quad ROT13 Encryped Message

6

From Myk:

Dr. Bruce Banner,

Are you quite serious sir? I have lost comms with all my ships & star systems North of Arided since our last correspondence. I didn’t like to say earlier but I’ve been having one hell of a time with my captain of arms, Brave Sir Robin, who has been posted on Mu Etamin. Myself being stationed in my palace back on Mega Vindemiatrix has made it difficult to keep him on a tight leash. He was kicking up something of a shit storm about the delay is getting our ambassador back and I fear he has taken matters into his own psychotic little hands.

There were rumours that he’d contracted the dreaded space mumps, which would of course make him totally unfit for command, but he denied these claims most vehemently to me, and unfortunately the rapport & respect he has with his troops is only adding to my long list of problems.

If what you say of the 662 ships is true, this is of course a disaster of the gravest scale for us both, and I can assure you I’m doing everything within my power to regain control of the Northern quarter of my Galaxy.

You have my full backing to defend yourself against any attack made from Brave Sir Robin under the guise of my empire, and if you do manage to capture this traitorous lunatic I will be forever in your debt.

I am too busy to write back to the ambassador & captain right now but will get in touch with them soon,

Yours sheepishly,
Myk

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From Hulk:

Most Honorable Myk,

I hear 'ya that it is difficult to control our fleet captains - they seem to have a mind of their own … and my situation is even worse because when they get Angry, they become giant raving green monsters who SMASH everything in sight. So the cleanup bills are brutal … plus we have to keep buying new uniforms for our Space Marines when they bust out and tear their shorts and shirts.

I have sent orders to the force at  [[Okul]] to transmit on the galactic emergency frequency that your captain should turn his ships around. But I have not heard yet if there has been a response … so I fear the worse for Sir Robin and his men … even with the newly acquired Weapons 5 tech as I noticed the star systems defenses have increased too.

I do have some good news - we were able to locate the Captain who apparently was able to disembark shortly before the (HULKWhisky) carrier departed [[Okul]]. I’m sorry to say that he resisted arrest and got a bit roughed up … but we can send him back to you on our next carrier. Because we are a civilized society, we gave him the opportunity to send you a message via the diplomatic pouch - please see below.

The bad news is we have not located the Ambassador … but have had unconfirmed reports that he is still at [[Okul]]. I say unconfirmed because these come from our infamous “Red Light District” … which is known for its Busty [[Black Hadir]] wenches. It’s puzzling such an esteemed and respectable person would be there, but I will keep you posted if we have any more information.

Hoping for peace,

Dr. Bruce Banner

Start Quad ROT13 Encryped Message

From Captain Berk:

While I was boarded on the (HULKWhisky) carrier, at the last minute I was secretly disembarked … by none other than Ambassador Engeldink Humperbert who apparently has bribed the spaceport guards with his Busty [[Black Hadir]] wenches. That man has completely sold out our empire and should be hanged for treason. I managed to escape form him  … but then was re-captured by the Big Green Monsters.

At the Spaceport, I saw yet another arriving carrier coming in from [[Dull Misam]] … and while the HULK monsters are putting up a brave front, it is obvious even they are fearful of something. I was able to gain access to my iPhone782c briefly and hack into their scanners - what a glorious sight seeing 662 of my countrymen arriving … with many HULK carriers at [[Okul]] … but all empty!

So victory is assured at [[Okul]] and you should send more ships to continue the assault against these Bestial Green Monsters.

Captain Beck Out

End Quad ROT13 Encrypted Message

8

From: HULK

Wellll Myk, it looks like your Sir Robin did attack and conquer our peaceful star of Okul … but if you are able to re-establish communications with him, it would be best to let him know that the Hulk is now angry … and you would not like him when he is angry.

Dr. Bruce Banner

P.S. Scarlett Johansson would certainly make a find modern day version of Whipped Cream, 'eh?!?

From: Myk

Dr Banner,

Well there’s good news and bad, and always start with the bad my father told me.

Sir Robin has more followers up there than we’d feared. I always knew there was some tension and paranoia in the North (as there often is at borders) but I was shocked and outraged to hear of the level it’s reached. Early indications show Sir Robin has been harboring ideological, and maybe racial, hatred against your green regime for some time and has been drumming up support on the quiet. I wonder too if his space mumps given rise to grandiose delusions.

The good news is that my most loyal subjects managed to infiltrated Sir Robin’s HQ at Mu Etamin. We’ve rounded up many traitors and will be interrogating them shortly.

My plan is to regain control of the Northern quadrant ASAP and return Okul to you, with suitable recompenses. The other flicker of light is that it appears I have 1 trusty spy amongst Sir Robin’s rebel forces. He’s only managed to send 1 message so far, and much of that is of course confidential. I should warn you though that Robin is planning to continue his assault upon your empire, starting with Dull Misam.

My spy also informed me that captain Berk was found alive and, mostly well, in a prison. The poor fellow probably wasn’t expecting it to be a rebel band that greeted him and the truth is, I fear for his life in Sir Robin’s hands. Your stories of ambassador Engeldink don’t surprise me; the old boy always had a distasteful penchant for ladies of the night. What does surprise me is there seems to be overwhelming evidence he fled Okul on one of your escape pods… are you in a position to confirm if he is still under your jurisdiction?

Yours respectfully,
Myk

P.S. On a lighter note I couldn’t agree more with your comments about the lovely Miss Johansson; a fine specimen, and one I wouldn’t mind seeing clad in whipped cream!

From: HULK

Mighty Myk,

I only have time for a brief message as I am planning to see the matinee performance of Captain America - he’s quite the star on the big screen and in NP.

Thank you for writing and I’m sure we are both mutually sad and disappointed that in this day-n-age of galactic enlightenment to find out that ideological and racial hatred still exists.

Sir Robin has pressed his unwarranted attack on my peaceful star systems and is en-route to Dull Misam … but I fear this will not end well for him as the HULK is truly ANGRY now … and the madder HULK gets, the stronger he gets.

I have sent a stern communication to the forces there that Sir Robin is to be taken alive if at all possible, and we will return him for you to deal with.

I have also issued an all fleets/stars bulletin to be on the lookout for Ambassador Engeldink and will, of course, inform you promptly if he is found.

Thank you for working together to restore peace in the galaxy.
Dr. Bruce Banner

P.S. Looking forward to see Black Widow on the big screen … even if not covered in whipped cream! :wink:

From: HULK

Mighty Myk,

I just wanted you to know that we thoroughly searched the wreckage of Sir Robins failed attack at Dull Misam … and there was no sign of him at all.

However, we see another one of the rebels ships in route to Azaleh … and I regret to inform you that the HULK is even angrier - this will not end well for your Space Marines.

Surely there must be some way to communicate with them so they are aware of this poor plan of action and raise up against Sir Robin?

Or optionally, is there is any way to open a communication channel with your rebels and Sir Robin … so we can avert total destruction of your star system.

Respectfully Yours,
Dr. Bruce Banner

9

From Myk:

Mr Banner, This is Sir Robin.

I have intercepted the messages between the not so mighty Myk’s and yourself, and I have some news for you old chap. Operation “Round Robin” is well underway, and Myk’s administration of this galaxy will soon be thwarted. Your puny army of frogs don’t scare me one iota and I look forward to unleashing my newly recruited Knights of Ni upon you.

Prepare for a thwarting,
Brave sir Robin, conqueror of Okul

From: HULK

Puny Human Sir Robin,

Hulk think you are weak.
Hulk is Strong.
Hulk will SMASH Puny Human Sir Robin.

Hulk think Knights of Ni are turtles players;
Hulk says they are too scared to attack Hulk.

GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
Big Green Guy

From: HULK

Mighty Myk and/or Sir Robin,

I am not sure who is receiving my messages, but regardless, I do want to apologize for the brutish’ness of my Big Green Buddy.

I also want to let you know that the brave (and beautiful) Princess Mykess has been in communication with us … and has provided complete scan data of your entire rebel force Sir Robin … so you might as well lay down your arms and surrender now … before the HULK gets angry and starts SMASHING!!!

We also have located Ambassador Engeldink Humperbert (who was hiding in our unsavory red light district) and can return him to stand trial for his high treason.

I would suggest you immediately withdraw from [[Okul]] as a sign of moving forward to re-establishing peaceful diplomatic relations.

Respectfully but strongfully yours,
Dr. Bruce Banner

10

From: Myk

Dr Banner,

Well I’m delighted, as I’m sure you are, that the malevolent Sir Robin has been defeated. Well done indeed sir. My daughter was able to deceive him which led to the partial evacuation of Okul and allowed your forces to reclaim the star. I’ll let her brief you on the ins and outs… and ahem talking of ins and outs, I hear you’ve got your beady green eye on her. Well, I’m in no position to lecture you given recent events, but she is my daughter and heir, so treat her with due respect is all I ask.

I understand you’re running off the Knights of Ni, and for that you have my help, and my thanks. To keep things amicable I will allow you to temporarily take control of Mu Etamin, Theta Aldhibah, and of course the inimitable Whipped Cream as a base of operations. I hear you’re also probing Fast Sham - I can assure you that section is clean and I’d strongly advise going no further than the, rather generous, 3 stars which I’ve allocated for you.

Kind regards,
Re-instated Overlord Myk

From: HULK

Mighty Myk,

That is great news … and yes, your daughter can be quite persuasive (in more ways than one) … and rest assured that even with her aggressive advances, I’ve been completely honorable in her presence.

I have ships en-route to the destinations you have suggested and they are bringing much needed food and medical supplies for your people - I know the regime of Sir Robin has been oppressive. We will, of course, deliver those supplies, crush any rebel vestiges, and them restore your government to power.

But I have some bad news. While Sir Robin was defeated at Okul, he was somehow able to seize control of one of our battle cruisers and has sent it toward Atik - in fact, he has named it (SirRobinFlagship)

If you would like, I can route my ship arriving at Fast Sham to intercept and insure he is captured on your behalf.

Please advise on a best course of action for us to restore lasting peace to the Universe.

Best Regards,
Dr. Bruce Banner

From: Myk

Honorable Dr Banner,

What a pest! Even after his demise, the dreadful legacy of Sir Robin lives on to haunt us. I gather his rebel band the mercenary group, Knights of Ni, retook Fast Sham and defeated your carrier fleet. I have a visual on the seized battle cruiser (SirRobinFlagship) and am making plans to intercept it. Clearly there is still a sizable presence around that sector but I’m confident we can flush it out together.

My spy (who shall remain nameless) managed to escape the war torn mess that is Okul and is apparently among your fleets somewhere. He (…or she) sent me a message to say he (…or she) is on his (…or her) way back to me via one of your fleets but won’t say which for secrecy’s sake. Apparently he (…or she) has some very “interesting” information for me.

Stay sharp sir, one day soon we will feast together and reminisce over these troubled times.

Your ally,
Myk

From: HULK

Mighty Myk,

It appears that many of your Northern forces are still allied with Sir Robin - I am concerned that his hijacking of my battle cruiser will allow him to return back to the rebels and wreak further havoc on your empire. My sincere apologies for letting him escape and rest assured my forces stand ready to assist yours in bringing this scoundrel to justice.

Your “spy” comment piqued my interest - is there a chance that Princess Mykess is aboard one of our battlecruisers? That brings untold joy to me that she is possibly safe … and if you can tell me which one, I will insure that all available forces are used to protect her. In communication, she had implied a rendezvous [[Whipped Cream]] for some much needed/deserved RandR … but there was no sign of her there.

Please advise if you would like me to send a fleet from [[Mid Point]] to [[Mu Etamin]] so we can restore the rightful government to power and insure peace and prosperity between our people.

Your grateful ally,
Dr. Bruce Banner